The One And Only

My dear friend who describes herself as a ‘reluctant mother of two’, recently asked if Campbell and I were planning on having any more children.  I answered truthfully - I was not sure.  She looked at me gravely and said that ‘having one child is like travelling through life as a couple - only with an added bonus.  Having two children is like running a crèche with your ex’. 

She was of course joking, but it did raise a salient point – are we going to have any more children?

Since Leo was born, Campbell and I have been asked daily when we will be having another.  It is a bizarre thing to ask  brand new parents who are already try to cope with the enormity of having one child, let alone two.

A couple of months ago, Time Magazine had a fascinating article about only children.  It explained that the image of The Only Child as the selfish, spoiled, demanding brat was defined by an early psychological researcher named Granville Stanley Hall.  He had conducted study in 1895 ‘Of Perculiar and Exceptional Children’ where he concluded that ‘being an only child is a disease in itself’.  Of course this extreme opinion has since been hugely discredited, but the seed is sown in our society that only children are somewhat misfits.

I am vehemently against this view.  This is because (of course) I am an only child.  I don’t consider myself unusual in the least and truly believe I do not appear like an only child.  I have never felt that I am particularly spoilt, and equate my demand for attention with having been an actress, rather than my lack of siblings.  I had a great childhood.  I was very happy, had many friends and felt completely secure.  And being the only one allowed me to be the sole focus  of my parents economically.  I was able to go to a good school, travel extensively with my mother and father and never wanted for a thing.

But did I miss out in other ways?  My husband is technically an only child, but is also one of nine.  He has eight half-siblings, but considers them full brothers and sisters and cares for them all deeply.  He see them often and they are firmly ingrained in our lives.  There are the inevitable arguments between them, but primarily there is a huge unconditional love and trust.  They are a large sprawling family who adore each other, like only siblings can.  

I have absolutely no understanding of this (though it must be said they have all gone out of their way to bring me into the fold as the British sister they never had).

Only children are on the rise.  Economics are partly to blame. China’s One Child Policy has meant that the word ‘cousin’ no longer appears to exist.  Do I want Leo to grow up having the best of everything material yet missing something familial?

I really cannot decide. 

But then I don’t have to right now either.   He is only 4 months old and I still have a few more years in me yet.  Until we make a decision we have the next best thing – in three weeks time, we are moving next door to my husband’s sister and her family.  Leo will be able to see his beloved cousin Ruby everyday -he may not have a sibling yet, but she will make a pretty wonderful substitute.

Thank you

This is not really a blog post – more a postscript.  I was astonished by the amount of women who have had trouble breastfeeding and alarmed at the number who have encountered prejudice when transferring to bottle-feeding.  I had no idea that these matters were so common.

Thank you so much for taking the time to show your support and share your stories.   It has not only proved to be great comfort and support for me, but hopefully for those dear women out there who feel like they are facing these problems alone.

Yours,

Lisa

Weaning Power of Lisa

I am Lisa Campbell and I bottle-feed my son.

It feels like an admission of guilt, but it is true.

Dr Jennifer James of RMIT University believes that formula is too readily available and should only be obtained via prescription.   

"The majority of women and new dads that you speak to will give you some reasons why it's important to breastfeed but there's still this pervasive belief that 'I'll try it and if I can't do it, formula's just as good', she is quoted as saying in today’s Courier Mail.

I tried. 

I couldn’t do it. 

So what would she suggest that I feed my son?

I bottle-feed my baby.  Don’t get me wrong, I was made totally aware of the huge benefits that he would receive from breast milk.  I was given countless pamphlets, schedules for classes and numbers for helplines.  But no information prevented me from getting a very aggressive case of mastitis and a recurring breast abscess that had to be surgically removed twice.  My son spent his third week on this earth, in hospital with me hooked up to an intravenous drip of antibiotics, trying to express milk whilst ensuring that I did not rip the ravaged skin of my breasts in the process.  I could not express enough to satiate my son, but could not put him to the breast because of the dressings and scars. 

I did not take the decision to bottle-feed lightly.  We all want our children to have the best start in life, but I discussed the options with my husband, obstetrician and surgeon and I truly believe that I made the right decision.

I have not spoken to many people about this, as I have been embarrassed by the grotesqueness of my problems.  But breastfeeding is a difficult and highly sensitive business and should be treated as such. 

Giving birth to your first child is hugely overwhelming.  Not only do you have the realization that this vulnerable being is totally dependent on you, you are dealing with the trauma that your body has gone through to bring this person into the world, hormonal changes and lack of sleep.  Then you are faced with a helpless little soul whose hunger your body cannot satisfy. 

There is only so long you can watch that child cry without turning to another source.

If you try breastfeeding and cannot do it – formula is the ONLY option, Dr James.  Gone are the days of the wet nurse and there is only one Salma Hayek to go around.  We as a society should be supporting women who cannot breastfeed, not castigating them or making their difficult plight harder.

Cans of formula carry a printed health warning on them.  Like cigarettes.  However, unlike cigarettes, formula is not damaging.  It may not be ideal but it is the best that some of us can offer our children.  We should not be made to feel like bad mothers because of our physical limitations.